Sugar Free and More

KIDS: what a brilliant idea!   by Deneb Labial

It is one of those public embarrassments that shouldn’t happen to any tax-paying citizen – one also considered to be a powerful case for contraception: a howling child at a toy store.

Still, there are women who actually pay huge sums of money to own one of those tear and whine factories. Become a mother and all that. Even contemplating insemination, surrogacy and adoption, just to be sure.

At one point you were one of them. You fervently prayed for kids.

When you didn’t have one, you had a crush on every one of them little cherubs:

‘Awww. Isn’t he the sweetest thing?’
‘Awww. She’s so adorable!’
‘Awww. Look at those cute little fingers!’
‘Awww. I can’t believe Bruce and Bertha made something this beautiful.’

Now that you’ve got 3. . .you want to strangle them. Lovingly.

Recalling that moment when you pulled your husband aside and said, ‘I want one,’ you realize that even then, you were finished. They seduce women first. When you get sucked in, the rest, as they say, is history. A woman will cross the cold ocean with nothing but a handbag.

Now that you’re done being smitten over those cute little fingers that never seem to remain clean, you catch an in-your-face lesson on the immensity of the task. Now reigns a sense of reality. You will support any moves in Congress to require would-be mothers to pass extensive written exams, intensive interviews and a battery of Psychological tests.

Now you understand why your own mother had to wait 30 long years for you to grow up, marry up, and have your own family. Her explaining the whole pestilence-laden ordeal would be futile because you had to be THERE to get it. You had to be in ground-zero to feel the love, and the hate, firsthand.

Only then will you truly discover Motherhood in all its glory:

***You’ll discover that family is the perfect setting to show love for people who haven’t done anything to deserve it. (For on what grounds shall we love a baby?) That being a parent is ‘give and take’. You give and give, the children take. For the first couple of years, it will be so one-sided and you won’t receive any. . .only the free, but priceless, smiles and giggles of your own.

***You’ll also learn that you’ll need a professionally-trained pit crew to slip your 4-year old into his Sunday clothes. What initially seemed like a simple task actually tops the ‘Mission Impossible’ list. (Closely followed by the circus of peeling him out of it, hours later.)

***You’ll learn that MULTI-TASKING is as motherly as it gets. At various times during the day, they will come and demand your love. The moment you wake up, it will be a hailstorm of chores and a steady stream of mishaps. Fires of varying degrees and leaks of all sorts erupt – as if God is smiling down on you like a reality TV show. (A cigarette break would have helped, if only to sprint you faster to your grave, but even that’s not allowed.)

***Super athletes with gazillion-dollar contracts enjoy a timeout and an off season. Not mothers. The 24/7 business model was invented by a mother of 3.

***You’ll come to appreciate the primacy of SILENCE and covet this luxury afforded to librarians and morticians.

***Want to experience firsthand what it means to not ‘walk the talk’? Be a mother. Push spinach on your kid’s plates, make a hero out of good nutrition, while reminiscing your tragic relationship with Brussel sprouts.

***If you want to witness the best and worst of you, be a Mom. You will learn to sing & dance without getting drunk first, love to the point of childhood obesity, and mastermind cheating on your kid’s book reports. And if you haven’t had the surreal experience of fighting wrestling style on the playground, you will. . .soon, with another mother. Meanwhile, from a distance, two kids are sharing an ice cream.

***Never sign up for parenting if you hate MATH, because everything will be about numbers – from the number of marshmallows each tax deductible gets, to the number of stitches and trips to the Emergency Room. You will count many, many things, many, many times. Fingers and toes are but warm up. You have the unenviable task of making a little girl understand that $ 89 for a doll is a heinous crime.

*** ‘They’re a handful.’ Now there’s a deadly euphism and a gross understatement! (It’s like saying, ‘WW II was loud.’) You almost died laughing overhearing a 17-year old bark on her cellphone: Cathy, I’m pregnant! Yeah. . .I know. This thing is so gonna ruin prom.

***Kids complicate simple pleasures. What was previously a spur of the moment pursuit will be fraught with calls to friends, babysitters and grandparents. A simple night at the movies with hubby will turn into a logistical nightmare. And what makes you think you can focus on the movie?

***You will trade in a different currency and will give anything, absolutely anything. . .even sex, for a few hours of peaceful, uninterrupted SLEEP. Your husband, on the other hand, will give absolutely anything, even sleep, for a few minutes of uninterrupted you-know-what. (Kids will allow you neither.)

***REPITITION will be your job description. Beyond the recurring chocolate stains, how many times will you recite:

‘Okay, bath time.’
‘5 more minutes.’
‘Get over here.’
‘Don’t go there.’
‘Put that thing down.’
‘See, I told you not to jump.’
‘Tell the old man you’re sorry. Give his cane back.’
‘We can’t afford that, honey.’
‘I’ll figure something out.’
‘That’s bad.’
‘The sky is blue because it’s God’s favorite color.’
‘What’s that in your mouth?’
‘That’s not chocolate!’

To your husband:

‘Can I get some help around here?’
‘What’s that in your mouth?’
‘That’s not chocolate!’

***Babies are supposed to strengthen bond between husband and wife. Yeah, if used to distract from each other’s faults. But parenting can sometimes feel like playing for opposing teams. Daddies, often flexible and tolerant, easily win the hearts of those little criminals. He becomes ‘cool dad’ who lets us have as much candy as we like, who horses around with us in the garden. And you, who have to deal with the gruesome trail of a sugar rush, who kneels before mud spatterings on laundry day, become the hated witch. (But in your heart of hearts, you know that those brats would run to your side in the event of a nuclear holocaust.)

***PARANOIA will be your parenting style. Not only because the playground is the most dangerous site on earth, you simply can’t help it. You can’t help it after that hellish experience of standing in the middle of the mall, studying your palms, empty. . .wondering where your baby’s hands went when just a second ago you were clutching it.

The gig sure looks like a one-sided deal. Truly, some women are meant to be mothers, others are meant to be happy.

But the sick thing is this. Given the chance to start over, to lose the kids and do without the tantrums – without missing a beat, mothers jump to the same deal! (The same thing can’t be said for your long-suffering husband.)

Inspite drowning in a vat of responsibility and self-pity, losing little Johnny is no redemption at all. A mother studies her precious child’s face, and whispers, ‘I can’t bear to lose this, what would my life be without this?’ (Let me guess. A well-rested existence, in a clean and luxurious apartment – a few minutes stroll from the theatre.)

Why pick these silhouettes of disaster, still? When you could have complete focus on your fashion agency as an arbiter of style? Why waste 4 years of college work and a master’s degree?

In the wake of studies suggesting that peers make more of an impact than parents, why do you even bother?

A mother doesn’t mind kneeling on the wooden floor, wiping vomit. She doesn’t mind giving up her life, her spa appointments. That’s what she’s really saying. She even brags about these slobber machines as if they were not the same people who wrecked her once-fit body, and who are now in the process destroying her mind.

Inspite the delicious option of total independence, mothers take the same deal. Why?

Why?

The answer is easy. . .but only a mother from ground-zero can say.

And God forbid we attach a dollar value on her choice, or hang a price tag on her love. For that would relegate her to a babysitter, and we would have unwittingly down-graded the highest calling to a mere salaried worker, compromising the essence of her sacrifice.

So what’s the payback? For all that she’s done.

Perhaps there is a reward. But it’s not going to be on Earth. For there exists nothing on Earth that will suffice to repay a woman who has, time and again, given her body, soul and spirit – so that others may live.

It is therefore only lawful, that a child’s first word should be. . .’Mama’.

***[This is an excerpt from 'WARNING: Perfect Mother']

About the Author

Deneb Labial writes about moms, dads and kids. He is the author of the bestselling humor books ‘THE FAMILY MAN: Get me outta here!’ and ‘WARNING:Perfect Mother’.

Both are available in Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005QC6PWY/ref=tsm_1_fb_lk
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005Q6J40K/ref=tsm_1_fb_lk
Fat burning, sugar free, gluten free, dairy free chocolate bark treat – Part 1

Amoretti Premium Cinnamon Syrup (750mL) $11.99 Amoretti Premium Cinnamon Syrup The most delicious Cinnamon Syrup you will ever taste is just a simple click away. Our premium Cinnamon Syrup for mochas, coffee and tea is the perfect way to take a moment with your friends, family or simply by yourself. Your own delicious homemade cinnamon dulce latte is just a pump or two away, or chill by the fireplace with some yummy cinnamon tea. Infus…

Skor Bar, Milk Chocolate Crisp Butter Toffee, 1.4-Ounce Bars (Pack of 36) $23.05 With buttery toffee enrobed in milk chocolate, this bars a distinctively rich treat. Also use it in your holiday recipes for really decadent baked goods….

SUGAR FREE Dark Chocolate Flavored Coating Almond Bark, 1Lb $14.95 ingredients: Maltitol, chocolate liquor (processed with alkali), almonds, cocoa butter, milkfat, soya lecithin (an emulsifier), vanillin (an artificial flavor). **Shared equipment with products containing: peanuts, tree nuts, milk, egg and wheat. ….

Gourmet Sugar Free – JustFlowers.com $103.99 A perfect gift basket for anyone who is either a diabetic, on a low carb diet or is just watching their health! Includes a fantastic assortment of gourmet sugar free cookies, candies, cheese, chocolate, crackers and snacks. With over a dozen items, they’ll be enjoying for weeks!

Office Snax Sugar Free Mint Mix $22.99 0% 00001 375 Each Individually wrapped sugar-free and fat-free mints come in four assorted flavors: Cinnamon, Chocolate, Wintergreen and Peppermint. Candy Chocolate Cinnamon No Office Snax Peppermint Sugar Free Mint Mix Wintergreen www.officesnax.us

Thayers Dry Mouth Citrus Sugar Free 100Lzgs $11.79 Thayers� Dry Mouth Lozenges Natural Citrus flavor is Sugar-Free and made with Slippery Elm & Apple Pectin Description: Our mouths are lined with sensitive mucous membranes which are moistened by salivary gland secretions. Their ability to secrete is often impaired by medications, Sjogren’s Syndrome, radiation therapy, or aging. This is called Xerostomia. Our lozenges provide temporary relief using natural ingredients, but no sugar or sodium. Other Ingredients: Sorbitol, USP elm bark, USP apple pectin, ascorbic acid (vitamin C), natural lemonade flavor, citric acid, potassium, chloride, stearic acid and calcium stearate. Directions: Take one tablet at a time and repeat every two hours as needed. In severe dry mouth cases, use Thayers� Sugar-free Dry Mouth Spray with Calcium. Notes: Free of Sodium, sugar, and gluten. Warnings: For adults and children 3 years of age and older. If condition persists, consult a physician.

Gaia’s Cinnamon Bark 60Caps $25.99 Extra Strength Description : ? Extra Strength ? Liquid Phyto-Caps ? 100% Vegetarian ? Supports Healthy Blood Sugar Metabolism Liquid Phyto-Caps�- Gaia Herbs’ patented technology delivers a concentrated full spectrum alcohol-free liquid extract in a 100% vegetarian capsule. Supplement Facts: Serving Size: 2 CapsulesServings per Container: 30 Calories 20 *Alcohol free concentrated extracts of: *Cinnamon Bark , Supercritical CO2 Extract(Cinnamomum spp.) (Organically Cultivated) 50 mg *Cinnamon Bark , ETOH Extract (Cinnamomum burmanii) (Organically Cultivated) 200 mg *Standardized to full spectrum activity profile *Bioactivity Per 2 Capsules *Total Cinnamaldehydes 33.75 mg *Total Phenols 45 mg **Daily value not established. Other Ingredients: Vegetable glycerin, soy lecithin, and vegetable cellulose (capsule). Directions: Take 1 capsule with a small amount of warm water 2 times daily after meals. Notes: Free of Animal by-products, gelatin, and heavy metal toxicity. Warning: Not to be used during pregnancy or lactation. Natural separation may occur. This does not affect product quality.

Thayers Slippery Elm Plain Sugar-Free 100Lzgs $10.89 Nature’s Gentle Demulcent Description: Sugar Free ? Original ? Nature’s Gentle Demulcent ? Diabetic Safe For temporary relief of minor discomfort and protection of irritated areas in sore mouth and sore throat. Supplement Facts: Other Ingredients: Active Ingredient (per lozenge)………Purpose Elm Bark, 150mg………………………….Oral demulcent Inactive: Magnesium Stearate, sorbitol (found in cherries, berries, pears and plums) and vegetable stearine (as a binder). Other: Calories: 1.4, Fat: 0, Carb.: .15 g, Protein: .046 g, Iron: .008 g and Sorbitol content: .835 g. Directions: Adults and children 3 years of age or older: allow lozenge to dissolve slowly in the mouth. May be repeated every 2 hours as needed or as directed by a dentist or doctor. Children under 3 years of age: Consult a dentist or doctor. Notes: Free of Sodium and Gluten. Warning: Sore throat warning: Severe or persistent sore throat or sore throat accompanied by high fever, headache, nausea and vomiting may be serious. Consult a doctor promptly. Do not use more than 2 days or administer to children under 3 years of age unless directed by a doctor. Stop use and ask a doctor if: Sore throat is severe Sore throat persists for more than 2 days, Sore throat is accompanied by fever, headache, rash, or vomiting. See your dentist or doctor if sore mouth symptoms do not improve in 7 days. In case of overdose, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away.

Thayers Slippery Elm Cherry Sugar-Free 100Lzgs $10.89 Natural Remedies Slippery Elm Lozenges Description: Natural remedies slippery elm lozenges, sugar free natural cherry flavor. Thayers Slippery Elm Lozenges have been providing relief to singers, speakers, salespeople and other vocalizers since 1847. Made from the inner bark of the Slippery Elm tree (ulmus fulva), these dependable demulcents soothe the tissues of the mouth and throat and restore the voice without the dulling effects of menthol. Try them – you’ll soon be singing our praises. Trusted by tenors, teachers, tour guides and other types who trill, talk and testify, Thayers Slippery Elm Lozenges speed relief to the throat and mouth. They’re also free of preservatives, gluten, lactose and sodium, making them the all-vegetable remedy of choice for vegan vocalists. Dissolve one in your mouth before you sing, talk or use your voice; take another one afterward to soothe the membranes and heal any oral abrasions. Other Ingredients: Magnesium stearate, natural cherry flavor, sorbitol (found in cherries, berries, pears and plums), and vegetable stearine (as a binder). Directions: Adults and children 3 years of age or older: Allow lozenge to dissolve slowly in the mouth. May be repeated every 2 hours as needed or as directed by a dentist or doctor. Children under 3 years of age. consult a dentist or doctor. Warning: Sore throat warning: Sever or persistent sore throat or sore throat accompanied by high fever, headache, nausea and vomiting may be serious. Consult a doctor promptly. Do not use more than 2 days or administer to children under 3 years of age unless directed by a doctor. Stop use and ask a doctor if: Sore throat is severem sore throat persists for more than 2 days, sore throat is accompanied by fever, headache, rash, or vomitting. See your dentis or doctor if sore mouth symptoms do not improve in 7 days. Keep out of reach of children. In case of overdose, get medicalhelp or cotnact a poison control center right away.

Now Foods White Willow Bark 400mg 90VCaps $7.99 White Willow Bark is a deciduous shrub native to Britain and Southern Europe whose therapeutic use dates back thousands of years. It is mentioned in Ancient Greek and European medical journals, and was used by Native American tribes as a traditional herb. Serving Size: 2 capsules Servings per container: 50 Suggested Use: As an herbal dietary supplement, take 2 capsules 2 to 3 times daily as needed. Free of: sugar, yeast, wheat, corn, starch, egg, soy, milk, additives Ingredients: stearic acid Warnings: None Disclaimers: None

Sugar Free Smiles – JustFlowers.com $83.99 This cheery SUGAR FREE gift basket has delicious gourmet goodies, an 11 oz. ceramic mug, and a deck of cards in a wonderfully unique "Smiles" gift box. Perfect for sending home or to the hospital. Dim: 10"L x 6"W x 12"H

Maxi Health’s Maxi Fibermax Sugar-Free 14oz $18.95 Maxi Health’s Maxi Fibermax Sugar-Free 14oz

Trident 67030800 Sugar-free Gum $20.99 0% 12 / Box 67030800 Sugar-free Trident gum contains Xylitol to clean and protect teeth. Each pack contains 12 individually wrapped pieces. Cadbury Schweppes plc Chewing Gum Individually Wrapped No Passionberry Mint Sugar-free Sugar-free Gum Trident US www.cadburyadams.com

No Sugar Added Chocolate Swirl Cheesecake – JustFlowers.com $61.99 When you need that chocolate fix, relax and enjoy! Our smooth & creamy chocolate swirl cheesecake will satisfy your chocolate craving without any added sugar. A rich chocolate flavor that conforms to popular "low Carb" diet plans, with barely a noticeable taste difference. Chocolate lovers rejoice, cheesecake with a chocolaty kiss!

Tina Givens Opal Owl Bark Buttercream $8.98 Designed by Tina Givens for Free Spirit, this cotton print fabric features vertical abstract trees and branches. Colors include yellow, chocolate and buttercream. Perfect for quilt or craft projects, apparel and home décor accents.

Now Foods Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix 17oz $5.49 Homestyle Taste and Texture Description : ? Sweetened with Organic Turbinado & Organic Brown Sugar ? Made with Non-GMO Ingredients? Gluten Free, No Wheat? 38% Organic IngredientsWho doesn?t love chocolate chip cookies? Fresh out of the oven, their warm, mouthwatering, chocolaty goodness is practically irresistible. Traditional chocolate chip cookies typically contain gluten, which has forced many to pass on this time-honored favorite. NOW� Foods Gluten-Free Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix was carefully developed to produce great tasting cookies ? complete with a homestyle taste and texture. This mix is loaded with real semi-sweet chocolate chips and is extremely easy to prepare. These cookies taste so good, you just might forget that they?re gluten-free! Each bag yields approximately 16 generously-sized cookies. Supplement Facts: Serving Size: 2 Cookies (62 g dry mix)Servings Per Container: 8 Amount Per Serving % Daily Value*Calories 250 Calories from Fat 55 Total Fat 6 g 9% Saturated Fat 3 g 15% Trans Fat 0 g Cholesterol 0 mg 0% Sodium 140 mg 6% Total Carbohydrate 46 g 15% Dietary Fiber 5 g 20% Sugars 34 g Protein 3 g Vitamin A 0% Vitamin C 0% Calcium 4% Iron 8% * Percent Daily Values are based on 2,000 calorie diet.? Daily Value not established. Other Ingredients: Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips (sugar, chocolate liquor, cocoa butter, soy lecithin), Organic Turbinado Sugar, Organic Brown Sugar, Rice flour, Tapioca Flour, Non-GMO Soy Flour, Guar Gum, Sea Salt, Baking Soda and Baking Powder (baking soda, monocalcium phosphate, non-gmo corn starch). Directions: Baking instructions to make one sheet of gluten-free cookies (yields 16 cookies):Soften 1 stick of butter (1/2 cup). Use mixer or soften by heating. Add entire contents of cookie mix bag and continue to mix. It may be necessary to stop mixer and use spatula to mix contents. Add 1/2 tsp. vanilla and 1 large egg. Blend until mixture becomes uniform. If mixture looks dry, add 1 tsp. water.Using a tablespoon, scoop out cookie dough and shape into balls. Place formed cookie dough balls onto a lightly buttered cookie sheet. Flatten top of each cookie ball with hand. Bake for 10-13 minutes at 350 degrees. Notes: Wheat-Free and Gluten-Free.

Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate Mix with No Sugar Added $12.99 0% 0.55 oz 1 Cup 24 / Box Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate Mix comes in individual packets with each containing the perfect amount of powdered mix to create one cup of hot chocolate. ConAgra Foods, Inc HUN55584 Hot Chocolate Mix with No Sugar Added Hot Drink Milk Chocolate No Powder Swiss Miss US www.conagrafoods.com

Tags: sugar free chocolate bark, sugar free chocolate bark recipe, sugar free dark chocolate almond bark, sugar free white chocolate almond bark